Ready

A little under a year ago, I went to a mexican restaurant with my family. We were on the way to take me to the airport where I would be leaving for a long time, until the next may. This was my chance to say goodbye to the wonderful greatness of Tex-Mex before I embarked on the journey I now find myself in. We arrived at Dallas Love Field where I said goodbye, my mom and brother cried, my dad and I gave each other a hug that should have been a hand-shake. I should have cried but in my excitement wasn't able to. I checked in a was on a plane ready to go to San Diego to begin my work with Invisible Children.

I arrived out of the gate, picked up my bags and met a guy named Seth. He carried a sign that read "Welcome Schools for Schools Rock Stars", we went outside to his car and drove to the roadie house or The Big Blue House. That weekend I met 30 people that for the next 9 months would be my family. We played the name game but I don't think any of us really knew what would await us the next few months. These people I met I would learn to love deeper than I have ever loved that many people.

In September I left for my first tour. I travelled up the west coast and got to see a generation of young people rise up and work to help a problem they saw. They broke the trend of only thinking about themselves. I saw people who saw that "There's more than this". It was truly a life changing experience. At the same time, this tour was the most spiritually draining thing I had ever been through. In my heart these new doubts started to arise. Shortly after I began to pray that if the God of the Bible is God that He would reveal himself. He was faithful and did that.

In December I went back to Fort Worth for a short Xmas break. God was so good in drawing me near through my church and through my friends. Since then, God has really been teaching me what discipline can look like on the road. He has taught me to throw away what robs me of joy in Christ and to cling to what gives me more of him.

Well, I've been on tour since february and God has been doing so much (read "a new fort worth") and I've learned so much about myself (I am really selfish) but I am ready to come back. I will always look at this time as one of the best in my life. I love tour but I know that this isnt' for me long term. I need to have "roots" planted somewhere. I want a constant community that can hold me accountable to things (given that teammates are great for that, but its still different). My heart is starting to be back in Fort Worth and Denton.

So this may, I will go back to the airport and say goodbye to this wonderful experience. I will praise God for the work he has done and will continue to do through Invisible Children. I will go back to a great community of friends that I love deeply. Some of my friends I really can see a friendship with for the rest of my life. I really can say that I have something close to Acts 2 and I praise God for that.

Hopefully I can look back at this post and praise God for the work He did in me at this time.

Future Career?

Today, I was at Subway with a friend enjoying some lunch. Well, I was about to enjoy lunch but at this time we were ordering. We noticed the sandwich that sits on the counter as an example of what "the works" looks like. We noticed that the meat and tomatoes looked good but the lettuce was a little shady. But a question popped into my mind, who came up with the idea of making plastic food? What 23 year old, college grad said "you know what I want to do with my life, make plastic food!" 

Its crazy to imagine the conversations in the office, "we're going to have to make some cut-backs and your lettuce just isn't cutting it", "Tommy, your roast beef will take you straight to the top of this company"

Grace

For the first time, that I know of, I am starting to understand grace. Don't get me wrong, if you had ever asked me I could have given you scripture, a good Piper or Bone quote and a good book to read on it (future grace is really good!) but I don't know if it ever made sense. 

I always felt that grace was something that happened in response to my better behavior. Even if I wouldn't say it, I felt it. So I'd read my bible a lot, pray  a lot and talk about Jesus often but as soon as I stumbled in any kind of outward sin I'd think I was beyond grace and give up, feeling "not worthy" to approach God or scripture. The issue with it isn't that I'm not worthy, it is the theology in it. Had I not (outwardly) sinned, would I have been any more worthy to go to God without the covering of Christ' blood? One thing I like about the book earlier (Future Grace by Piper) is about the "purifying power of future grace". Knowing that Grace is there in future just as it was in the past and there must be a constant state of repentance but only through Christ and Him crucified can I ever approach God. Not that I have it figured out, but it is so liberating to know that even as I sin that God's grace is still there. 

I'm not saying

 that it is freedom to keep sinning though. But once Grace is given there must be obedience. I'm reading The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and that has been teaching a lot.  Here's a thought I've been thinking about....

"Cheap grace is preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, communion without confession, absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.

Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods..... Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it cost a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life"

I'm at this constant struggle of learning to be obedient and learning to accept grace. I think this struggle comes from thinking that they are separate. I am starting to learn that I'll never be perfect, I'll mess up all the time but repentance must be sought after again and again. Every moment, I must pursue Christ. I pray that I can learn this and not forget it. 

A New Fort Worth

For the past few years God has really been working in me about church planting. I attended a boot camp for Acts 29 a few years ago, and the things I learned haven’t ever really left me. For the past few weeks God has been putting Fort Worth in my mind and on my heart. I always thought that I would end up moving to Portland or Seattle but the more I think the more I am starting to realize that for now, Fort Worth is the place God has called me to. I started thinking about a conversation a friend and I had about a church plant in Fort Worth, because of how few Gospel-Centered churches there are (please don’t get caught up on that statement). I talked to my friend Steve and he shared a vision similar to what God has been speaking to me.
What if a few people prayed for revival, What if we prayed for God to speak to that city? What if malls closed because people weren’t materialistic anymore? What if men loved their wives and lived out the Gospel to their families? What if God united Christians in the Fort Worth area, centered in Christ and Him crucifies to transform the city? I know it may seem like Fort Worth already had a strong Christian population but what if we prayed for more? I believe that God is faithful and will come through on this for His glory. So I ask, please join me in this prayer.
Back to the conversation with Steve, he said to me “But if you are wanting to an elder (or in leadership in general) then read 1 timothy and pray that your life might bare the fruit of an elder”

The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office or overseer; he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?...- 1 Timothy 3: 1-5

I will not lie. As I read this I am reminded of how much I am in need of grace. I am reminded of how much I need to work on. In each of these I see where I am not fit for this. I am now praying that my life be molded to this example. It is good to read this though because it keeps me humble, it reminds me of how much of a mess I am and how much I need God and His grace.

On a side-note- I am reading the journals of Jim Elliot and am again humbled at my unbelief. There is someone who is worth reading and following the example of , he isn’t perfect but again, that just reminds me more of how we are all in need of God’s grace.

Ramblings pt. 2

Jim Elliot, a great American missionary from Portland, said: " He is no fool who gives what he can not keep, to gain what he can not lose." 

Its weird to me that I hold on to so much. And I do so willingly many times. Last year from December to June I had to opportunity of living with 3 amazing Godly men. From the outside, I fit in with them. We could talk about our struggles and be open often. In reality, I was going through some of the deepest and darkest struggles of my life. I never opened up and let it be known that I'm not perfect. So when God gave me men whom I could trust with that, who loved me enough to help bring me out of that, my pride didn't let me show how much of a mess I truly am. These past few weeks God has been really great in drawing near to me and reminding me of His goodness, but in doing so I am starting to remember how much junk I have (which is great, because His grace covers that), but those things demand and repentance and through sanctification, I must press forward from that sin. 

Another thing I have been thinking about is loving your enemy, blessing and praying for those who persecute you. On tour, I am around my teammates literally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We get sick of each other, I love them but you can imagine.  Many times any one of them can do something really small that frustrates me and makes me want to retaliate and do the same thing back (as if any one of my teammates is out to destroy me and finds pleasure in making my life harder). But what would it look like if when my teammates do something that anger me, purposeful or not, I start to love them more. What does it look like if I don't remind them of the small thing I could have done. I know that I "get" the idea of loving the enemy (although I don't do it) but what about loving the person who annoys the crap out of you. Needless to say, I am learning once again how much of a mess I am.

please pray for me.

Reflections and probably rambling

I just returned from Mars Hill Church's Good Friday service, and can't find the right words to describe it. The closest thing I can get to is "Intense". Beginning with music and communion followed by a reading of the "easter story" from Luke with images being displayed on 3 massive screens and screen cut out of a cross with a projected "Jesus" being crucified. Typically I get annoyed by production but I was praying that God would use this service to bring me closer to Him, and that I wouldn't get so caught up in the production. 

It would good to be reminded of the cross. 

I tend to make so many other things central in my life. Even good things can become center, whether that be humanitarian work, friends, family, church or serving others.... they are all pointless without the cross as center. The idea of the cross is crazy. The idea that the God of the universe, the God who created the stars, who created the whole earth, the God of Abraham and David made himself a man, Jesus, who came, lived a perfect sinless life and died for my sins. He died for me. He died for a prideful, arrogant, unforgiving mess of a person and took the wrath for my sins. And yet, knowing this.... I still run. I attempt to run so far and surround myself with so much thinking that other things will fulfill. I write this just as thoughts after attending a great service. 

God has been good, I pray it is the same for you.

p.s.- sorry for not writing more.... i'll try to start to

The Power of Story

There are a few things that I get excited about: God, family, friends, boba but one thing that always gets me excited (of course God always gets me excited but get past your christianese, you know what I mean) is story. When I learn of an individual past or present that has an amazing story I'm going to learn all I can. Last fall during tour, I read three books all about Lance Armstrong because I was so amazed by the power of his story. (I you haven't read his book I highly recommend it, check it out here, but be warned that he has quite the ego). Today was a chance for me to visit the places of another story that has excited me. Steve Prefontaine.

Growing up in Coos Bay Oregon, a small lumber town off the coast he began to set records as a high school student in track. He caught the eye of University of Oregon coach and the would-be Nike founder Bill Bowerman. He started in school and made the cover of Sports Illustrated his freshman year. He was called "Americas Running Prodigy", and bringing the sport of running back to the attention of American families. He had a huge mouth, being known for his off-track interviews saying things like "someone may beat me, but they'll have to bleed to do it" but he had the results to match it. He ran in the 1972 olympics but failed to win as he and the rest of the country wanted. By his senior year, he had only lost 3 races at Hayward Field in Eugene Oregon and had managed to set every American record for every event from the 2000 to the 10000 meter run. 

At the age of 24 he died in a tragic car accident, ending an era. Today, at the location of his death, there is a memorial to him called "Pre's Rock" where many runners come and visit. There are many track spikes, race numbers and folded letters put in the crevasses. Also, there is a trail called pre's trail that he had demanded be built. It is an ideal place to run being several large loops made of small wood chips and tucked away from the city, following the Willamette River (the only north-bound american river). Every year there is "Prefontaine Classic" which takes place in Eugene which features olympic hopefuls in all track and field sports. In 2001 one, High Schooler Alan Webb, became the first High Schooler to run a sub-four minute mile since Jim Ryun in 1964 with a time of 3:59 and several months later setting the H.S record with 3:54. There is so much in Eugene that still has his fingerprint,  so being in Eugene I made a few stops including a visit to the legendary Hayward field and ran a little on Pre's trail. I would recommend the movie "Prefontaine" for anyone wanting to learn a little more about him. He has been an inspiration to me and many many others.

Some Pre quotes worth reading-

"A lot of people run to see who is fastest. I run to see who has the most guts, who can punish himself into exhausting pace, and then at the end, punish himself even more. Nobody is going to win a 5,000 meter race after running an easy 2 miles. Not with me. If I lose forcing the pace all the way, well, at least I can live with myself."

"How does a kid from Coos Bay, with one leg longer than the other win races? All my life people have been telling me, 'You're too small Pre', 'You're not fast enough Pre', 'Give up your foolish dream Steve'. But they forgot something, I HAVE TO WIN."

 "I'm going to work so that it's a pure guts race at the end, and if it is, I am the only one who can win it."

On the road again.....

Tour had proven once again to be the best, hardest thing I've ever done. We began our tour with getting our van broken into by a massive rock being thrown into the passenger side window . There were three computers inside the van but luckily all they took was my ipod. My friend Jessica was so gracious as to give me an extra one that she has since her last upgrade. The only funny thing was that it all happened in Santa Barbara. 

From dorm room floors to our own sections of massive houses to filthy college apartments we have stayed everywhere. We've had to depend on the generosity of others and will continue to until this tour is over. To be honest, that is the single hardest thing of tour for me. Being a guest. Everyday, I go into a house that either is excited to have us or is just putting us up because they felt bad. But regardless, the small things you normally can take advantage of are different. That random drink of water that you want before going to bed becomes a small task of asking if its ok. There are perks, I get to try new shampoo everyday (and don't lie and say you never try people's shampoo when staying at others houses, if you stay with me I request that you use my stuff.) I also get to meet the most amazing people, the most amazing families that are so self-less, it blows 

me away. 

So this fall I have decided that I will be returning to school at the University of North Texas. I'll be majoring in English so I can be a teacher and maybe pay off some of my student loans. It will be different finally having an end in sight in regards to my education. I've been so excited about returning that its almost taken away from my joy on tour. Its weird to think that a year ago I would have died to be where I am and now I can't wait to return. Needless to say, I will never regret this time in my life. It will probably be the time that I tell stories of too often and people will get annoyed about hearing "when I was touring with Invisible Children....."

One thing that I ask your prayers for nearness to God. Tour can be so draining and it is hard to make myself put time into my relationship with God. Pray that I be more disciplined about this, so that this tour can be something that gives me more of Him instead of distracting me from him.

Gone

This time last year, I had never cared about Invisible Children. To some extent, I thought it was lame. But for some reason God decided to change that. The past year I don't know if a day had gone by that I haven't thought of or talked about the kids that moved me to help. My life looks so different now than it otherwise would have. Coming here to San Diego was something I wanted so bad, going on tour was a desire that God placed deep inside of me. But as I sit at my desk at 8:20am getting ready to leave this morning, things seem different. I can't say that this is what I expected. If you watch podcast of IC's they make my job look so sexy but it can be hard also. Its weird pouring your self out to people constantly but not being disciplined to know when to pour into yourself. 

Needless to say, I'm ready for tour. I get to see a generation of young people become idealist and those ideals become reality. I can see kids lives be changed right before my eyes. Coming into an auditorium their main focus is the girl they like and the iphone their parents won't get them but they come out caring about the world around them. Even if a lot of these kids never do anything about northern Uganda, I pray they get moved to do something to live outside of themselves whether that is down the street, another part of the US, Congo, Burma. 

Anywhere.

So today I get in a van and have the terrible obligation to drive up the 101 which lines to coast of California headed all the way to Seattle eventually with tons of stops a long the way. I hope to write often a keep you updated. 

(The picture is team team I'll be traveling with. Clockwise- Me, Julie, Josh G. and Erin)

I guess before I start talking about where I'm going I would like to tell the story of where I have been. Here is my attempt of explaining why I  do what I do.  I don't remember what happened or what is was that caused it, but a few years ago I started to care for the poor and hurting. What started with one friend here going through pain just pointed to more pain the the world. I got involved with the organization One.org and from then on africa had a special place in my heart. Around that time my friend was hosting a benefit concert for the non-profit organization Invisible Children. I didn't go, but IC just blew up in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. In my eyes, I saw a trendy organization with a bunch of people who really could care less but just wanted to wear Africa on their clothes and tell me to watch a movie. So for the next few years I went on not caring too much about it. 

Last february I was on the Myspace page of a friend and saw a video for Invisible Children's "Tri Campaign" (video here). After seeing this video I knew that I had to get involved. I called around hoping and hoping to find a friend who could get me this movie. Finally, I found a copy Invisible Children: The Rough Cut, I took it home and watched it by myself on my couch. I didn't know what to think. I laid there just knowing that I couldn't continue being as comfortable as I was and not doing anything about it. For the next three weeks I was telling everyone (and I do mean everyone) that I know about these Invisible Children. I hosted so many small living room screenings, I could quote the whole movie within three weeks of seeing it. I started doing more and more and eventually hosted a screening at my church, The Village Church. Come June I learned about the chance to go on the road with IC, raising awareness at High Schools, Colleges, Churches,and coffee shops. I immediately applied and before I knew it I was on a plain to San Diego and about to travel the Pacific Northwest. We had three weeks to book a tour and head out on the road. I got to meet the most amazing people and never could have imagined what life could have looked like. So now, in four days I am back on the road. I hope there are my stories, thoughts and maybe some political commentary.

 

This is my first time writing in quite some time. I hope for this to be a chance for people to know my thoughts and hear what I am learning while on the road. Sometimes I won't make sense, and chances are you will think my thoughts don't make sense. You might disagree with me or think that those "california liberals" have turned me crazy.  But I hope this is an honest dialogue. 

Enjoy.